There is so much I could potentially talk about today
- my desire and attempts to enjoy the web but not to be ruled by it
- the two year anniversarry of my last full time job
- independence in general
But instead, I am going to post a poem, that I will leave up for about a week. I have tried to write this poem at least once in the past, back in 2006, but I abandoned the theme when I couldn’t get it to gel. Then I felt inspired to try again during a poetry reading. So here you go guys. Would love some comments so I can work on any revisions and then send it out into the world 
[ and the poem is gone thanks to everyone's great comments! i look forward to revising it and sending it out into the world soon]
Life is the longest journey. Take your friends along and get 
While I don’t understand the poetry aspect of this, the scenes themselves are really interesting.
The way it is written reminds me of how memories sometimes seem like a slideshow. Brief snips of time that for some reason were more important than what happened right before, or right after.
I have several of those bouncing about in my head right now, probably too many to make a proper comment. I may end up drafting a post about it myself.
I’m gonna have to put you in poetry book camp
Seriously, though, I’m just happy you read it!
I like what you are saying about how memory works like a slideshow.
My google reader will tell me when you have a new post up *wink* Thanks for the tip on that!
[...] time sink computer this morning doing one of the things I do best, reading blogs. I came across a post my sister Jessie wrote over at 58 inches. Although I don’t think it was her original [...]
A child’s approach to potentially world-changing events coupled with the speaker’s potentially life-changing events. Simple vs. Complex. Old vs. Young. Innocence vs. Evil(?) or maybe just adulthood. No sense of time, really. No sense of geography. But The World slowly reaching in on that innocence.
The juxtaposition of the beautiful woman vs. the striking hand of the grandfather – very good.
The language is simple – it has to be. Because of this, you have to work extra hard to make the language “poetic” – and you’ve done that well through the underlying connections between the events you depict. I think that maybe the 4th section needs a little cleaning up, perhaps shortening. Not sure the “like Ernie on Sesame Street did when we would sing Rubber Duckie together” works for me… I think you’ve gotten us to simplicity point already.
Overall really strong though.
A few suggestions:
II. Remove the first “But” – the one before “Back home at five….’
III. Add to end: and be joined by a thick slice of ham.
IV. Remove: “he can only be seen from the shoulders up” Doesn’t add much. And would a child notice that? Then work with line lengths created by the deletion.
Also remove: “I assume. I don’t recall the return trip.” The poem is about what you do recall, not what you don’t.
How about: “At home, grass and trees….”
Overall, I think it’s pretty polished.
Wow guys! Great comments!
Bryan – I totally agree with you about the Rubber Duckie part and the fourth section in general, but good to know that this poem may still be working for people. I was worried I was gonna have to abandon it again!
Helen – I like the idea of adding the ham
And those other touch ups sound really good! Can’t wait to edit! But I am going to leave up a bit longer to see if there are any more comments.
wow, what striking images here..I really like this because it hits my senses. I wouldn’t eat ketchup covered eggs either. I hate having poems that I’ve written over and over and still I don’t feel like I’m in the right place with them. Overall though, I think the form works for this and your imagery is crisp and sharp.
Thanks Mindy
I actually wrote the first draft of this version during Poetry Hickory! Getting comments really makes me look forward to knuckling back down with it. I’m reading through poems I’ve sent out to lit mags right now to see if I have enough to try at a full length manuscript again. Oh the agony!